1. When a famous lady writer comes into your library and asks for a new library card. Process new card. When famous lady author says, “How much do I owe you?”, just burble slightly in response and go “OH FOR YOU NOTHING I LOVE YOU BY THE WAY.” And then ignore your boss behind you who says, ” £1.50 please.”
2. When somebody gets to the Chalet School section before you, picks up the book you’ve been hunting for for years and then goes “Oh what’s this old thing?” , you stand there and mutter: “YOU’RE NOT WORTHY!”
3. When you rearrange the bookshelves in your local shop so that all your favourites are face out. And you have to be dissuaded from standing by the section and talking to random shoppers. All day.
4. When you see the price that your local specialist is selling “The Giraffe, The Pelly And Me” and you phone your parents and ask them to take your childhood copy out of direct light.
5. When you take an hour bus ride to visit other libraries in your area because you’ve checked out their catalogue in advance and know that they’ve got the missing editions of the X-Men multi-volume you’re desperate to read.
6. And then you get the same bus back because you’ve got your books and it’s six hours until the next bus. Making your trip to the town last a princely total of twenty minutes.
7. When you meet one of your favourite authors. Or, well, don’t actually meet. Just stare at them lovingly in the distance because you know if you get any closer, you will cry at the wonder of being close to somebody who is this perfect with their words. And also, because at some point, you know you’re moments from going “CAN I – TOUCH – YOU?”
8. When you get into a lift with one of your favourite writers, stare everywhere but at them before suddenly saying “WHY DO YOU KEEP WRITING THINGS THAT MAKE ME CRY?”
9. And then staring at the floor and feeling the shame that comes when the doors open and said writer legs it.
10. When you meet somebody who you really admire and they discover you’re a book nerd. And then they ask you for a recommendation and you clutch the first book that comes to mind, be that Jamie’s Fifteen Minute Meals or Fifty Shades of Grey, and regardless of how you feel about the book all you can say is, “BECAUSE – IT’S – GOOD?”
11. When a writing conference is held where you work, and it’s full of the most wondrous writers who you adore, and every now and then one of them walks past your office door, and all you can do is make the 1st of 3938384 trips to the toilet that day just in the tenuous hope that one of them asks you for directions. To the place that they’re already at.
Obviously, I’ve never done any of these. Ever.
(And obviously, that’s a total lie)